At some point in our lives, we’ve experienced feeling unproductive and stuck. Despite our best efforts, there are times when it’s hard to get (and stay) motivated.

In a culture that places a high emphasis on being productive, many of us have become addicted to busyness. There’s an enormous pressure to meet these high productivity standards and an even greater fear of underachievement. All you have to do is spend two minutes scrolling through social media and you’ll see different ways people are winning in the world: job accomplishments, fitness transformations, home renovations, and the list goes on.

Of course, it feels good to check things off our to-do lists, but it’s unrealistic to be productive all the time. Sometimes we don’t have the extra energy needed to push ourselves. Sometimes we need to mentally and physically disconnect to recharge our batteries.

But there’s a bigger problem. Many people attribute feeling unproductive to the wrong reasons. For example, you may assume you’re unmotivated because you’re unhappy with your job. Or you believe you’re exhausted because of day-to-day life stress.

While these are valid reasons for feeling unproductive, there’s one that’s often overlooked: loneliness.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness isn’t about physically being alone, it’s about how we feel about being alone. 

Loneliness is a state of mind.

What’s important to remember is loneliness is a state of mind, which means it’s subjective. Why, how, and when we feel lonely is in direct correlation to how we feel about ourselves and the quality of our connections with other people.

It doesn’t matter if we have one friend or hundreds of friends, we feel lonely based on our relationship with ourselves and the expectations we have for the people in our lives.

What causes individuals to feel lonely?

We feel lonely when we’re disconnected from ourselves and the people around us.

In some cases, our loneliness is a direct result of the circumstances in our lives. If we work alone or with just a few people or if we live far away from family and friends. While maybe you weren’t lonely in the past, now that you’re not surrounded by so many people who love and care about you, you feel alone.

The other cause of loneliness is related to your relationship with yourself, how you view yourself in the world, and your expectations of other people. You can be in a marriage and feel very lonely if you feel like your partner isn’t giving you what you need.

You can be lonely because you don’t feel good about yourself as a person. You struggle with feeling confident in yourself and your choices which has created a situation where you’re isolated and alone a lot of the time.

With my clients, I’ve noticed one of the most common reactions to stress is self-isolation. When friends call to talk, they are feeling so drained that they don’t pick up the phone. They say things like, “I can’t help” and “I don’t want to be a downer.”

So, rather than coming together during challenging times, many people are doing the opposite and suffering in silence.

In order to avoid feeling lonely, they are distracting themselves. And even if these are healthy distractions – exercise, meditation, DIY projects – you’re still postponing the inner work it takes to heal.

In other words, people aren’t working through their emotions and allowing themselves to feel lonely.

How Feeling Unproductive Can Really Be About Loneliness

When people feel a sense of belonging and emotional connection, it has a positive ripple effect on all aspects of their lives: career, health, finances, and more. However, when people are feeling lonely, they struggle in these areas.

In fact, according to research, loneliness is associated with poor job performance. People who felt isolated also felt less motivated in their careers – which resulted in decreased productivity.

Long before COVID-19 forced us to sit at home, the rise of technology and social media has been creating a world where we’re connected 24/7 but disconnected from real human interactions.

A study in 2006 showed that one out of every four people felt like they didn’t have anyone to talk to about their problems. As a therapist, I see this a lot. Many times clients will reach out to me because they feel like they need someone to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, and to help them make decisions.

Want to learn more about the signs of loneliness? Check out my YouTube video.

4 Steps to Work Through Loneliness

Step 1. Understand what loneliness is and what it isn’t

Some people who spend a lot of time alone aren’t lonely. Loneliness is not about the number of people you have surrounding you. You can be surrounded by hundreds of people and still be lonely. Other people can be content all by themselves. We’re all different people with very different needs.

You feel the loneliest when you’re not getting your needs met. You’re not spending enough time with friends and family. You’re spending too much time by yourself; you’re not doing enough fun things in your spare time and either you’re not in a relationship or the relationship you’re in isn’t fulfilling you.

Loneliness isn’t just about being alone.

It comes down to the quality of the connection. You can be at a party with hundreds of people but if you’re surrounded by truly awful people you can’t stand, that’s a pretty lonely feeling vs. being at a party with 5 people you love who make you laugh and make you feel loved and special.

The key is figuring out what you need and building quality connections. If you’re feeling lonely, being with another person, any other person isn’t necessarily the answer. If you’ve been feeling lonely lately then it’s time to start looking at your relationships and your connections with people because something is missing.

Most importantly, the one person you have the most significant relationship with is you. If you’re finding you’re struggling to find joy and happiness in the people and things you used to find joy and happiness in then maybe something else is going on and it’s time to seek professional help.

Loneliness is less about outer connection and more about inner connection. Another person will never be able to fill a void or cure a deep emotional wound. Only you can do that.

Step 2. Observe your feelings without judgment

The next step is to start to figure out what your loneliness is trying to tell you. Don’t be afraid of your loneliness. Feeling lonely, like any other emotion, can be a valuable source of information. That’s right. Loneliness is here to tell you something.

You’re probably thinking, “Yeah, Tess, it’s here to tell me I’m lonely.”

Well, yes and no. Remember loneliness is subjective. How lonely you are is correlated to the quality and connection you have with the people in your life.

You know I love Brene Brown and she interviewed former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, author of Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World on her podcast, Unlocking Us.

Murthy said, “The foundation for connecting with other people is connecting with ourselves.”

If you want to feel less lonely and more connected it starts with you. What creates disconnection is when they feel this need to “become” someone they’re not in order to fit in. Or you feel you need to play the part of the “good-time girl” or the “big man on campus” because that’s what is expected of you.

When we feel like we can’t be ourselves, we feel disconnected and lonely.

If you’re struggling with loneliness, first focus on yourself and don’t be afraid of the feeling. Most people avoid their feelings of loneliness by distracting themselves. Before the pandemic and subsequent shutdown, so many people were running from event to event, from home to work to happy hour to dinner to home and back to work at a breakneck speed.

Tune out the distractions and learn to be more present in your conversations. Stop focusing on, “What am I going to say next?” and “I better sound smart and witty soon or they’ll think I’m boring.” Start listening to the other person and react in a way that feels genuine and true to YOU. Not what you think you should say. Start focusing on your value and worth as a person.

Loneliness is associated with shame, which is why it’s hard for people to admit the truth to themselves. When many of us think of loneliness, the thoughts that come to mind are: “I don’t have friends,” and “Nobody likes me.” And this feeds into the deeply rooted belief that “I’m unworthy” and “Something is wrong with me.” This causes self-isolation and the negative cycle continues.

By taking a step back, you’ll see the loneliness is telling you something. You’re feeling lonely for a reason. And so, the question you should be asking yourself is: Why am I feeling so lonely?

Are you needing to be more compassionate with yourself to combat this loneliness at work? Get my course True You: Radically Real to help you recognize negative thoughts and overcome them.

Step 3. Sit still and Journal

There is meaning and importance in sitting still. In order to understand your emotions, you need to quiet your mind. Rather than finding a distraction when loneliness creeps in, try journaling.

Journaling is writing down your thoughts and feelings so you can understand yourself better. Journaling allows you to process certain situations and experiences. When you journal, you’re taking all those thoughts and feelings circling in your brain, making you feel anxious and overwhelmed, and you’re putting them on paper.

Once you put something down on paper, it feels less scary and more manageable, which allows you to tackle it not from a place of fear but from a place of awareness. The more you “expose” your thoughts and feelings, the less power they hold over you.

Since there’s a reason why you’re lonely, it’s important to explore that feeling. What is going on in your life that’s making you lonely? What can you do differently? Which relationships in your life are working and which are making you feel lonely? Journaling is a great way of exploring those feelings and being able to see your feelings from another viewpoint.

Journaling provides many benefits. A 2018 study found journaling for 12 weeks reduced the mental distress of people who struggle with anxiety. There was another study conducted in 2003 of 100 young adults who were asked to journal for 15 minutes about a distressing event or simply about their day twice a week. The participants who journaled saw the biggest results, like a reduction of depression and anxiety symptoms as well as anger and frustration, especially if they were journaling about a specific event.

Looking for more insights into journaling, how to journal, and what to write about? Check out my blog on journaling here.

Step 4. Limit social media

Social media is a huge distraction for many people and usually, they have no idea it’s the endless scrolling that’s causing their feelings of inadequacy.

I want to tell you a story about Claire.

Claire is dating Ivan. They’ve been together for the past three years and, at first, Ivan was so much fun. He made Claire laugh all the time and gave her lots of motivation and inspiration to get through her long work days. Ivan was everything Claire wanted but then things started to change.

Claire started complaining about Ivan. Every time they hung out, Ivan managed to make Claire feel bad about herself, comparing her to other women and constantly reminding her of her #fitnessgoals.

Claire got lost in the relationship and started looking to Ivan for how she should dress, what she should like and not “like.” She cared more about what Ivan thought about her than she cared about herself.

This is an example of a codependent relationship. The catch is Claire and Ivan aren’t real people, and while Claire is modeled after a real person, Ivan is actually Instagram (you probably already figured that out).

Now ask yourself a question, “Is there a part of you that kinda, sorta relates to Claire?”

Before we get much further, I want to define codependent because the term gets thrown around a lot and it isn’t just about relationships, it’s about the relationship you have with yourself.

Melody Beattie, one of the leading experts on the topic defines codependency as, “Allowing another person’s behavior to affect him or her and obsessing about controlling that person’s behavior.” I’ve also heard it defined as when a person restricts his or her behavior in order to control the behavior of another person.

The biggest fear someone who struggles with co-dependency has is the fear of not attaining the love and approval of the people or person around them. They falsely believe if they don’t have that person’s love then they’ll be lost. Some describe codependency as “the disease of the lost self.”

I’ve been noticing a trend with my clients for many years now. They come into my office, feeling unworthy of love, struggling with imposter syndrome and comparison-itis. They ask me, “Why am I not happier? Why is everyone around me doing so much better than me? What have I done wrong?”

After I tell them, “You’ve done nothing wrong” and we start to get down to the real issue, I’ll start to see a strong correlation between how much time they spend on social media and how much they need others’ love and approval.

I’m not alone in my experiences. A recent study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania showed social media use increases depression and loneliness. The researchers found the less someone is on social media, the less depressed and lonely they felt. It’s no secret that social media isn’t “connecting” us as a society but creating more disconnection and dissatisfaction in our lives.

Many young adults are planning vacations, not based on locations or wanting to explore a new city or country, but on how well the location will photograph for their Instagram followers. So many young people are making critical life decisions based on “likes” and not based on what they truly like.

If you saw a little bit of yourself in Claire, take a step back and look at your relationship with Ivan aka Instagram and/or other forms of social media.

Being co-dependent on Instagram is more than seeing someone you went to high school with on a beach in Fiji and then feeling sorry for yourself. It’s about feeling like your self-worth is dependent on the number of likes and comments you get on every post. It’s about obsessing over the perfect selfie and showing your “perfect” life when everything else is falling apart around you.

While this will be uncomfortable at first, commit to feeling the loneliness 100%. Simply let it pass through. Write down what caused you to feel triggered and the thoughts that followed.

If you think you may be in an unhealthy relationship with Instagram (or any other kind of social media) here are the 4 “B’s” to stop being so codependent:

Be Aware.

All change starts with awareness. If you’re not aware, you can’t change it. Start being more aware of how much time you spend on Instagram and social media in general. Delete all social media apps from your phone. You can still log in on your computer but it’s the never-ending mindless scrolling we do in the Starbucks line or waiting for the train that creates this feeling of unhappiness.

You need to learn how to be present in the present moment and start making decisions based on what feels good to you vs. what would look good to others.

Become Yourself.

Being co-dependent isn’t just about the other person and their issues and problems. Co-dependents thrive when they have someone or something to focus on and care about because as long as that person is in pain, they don’t have to look at their own pain.

While looking at ourselves is never pretty and it’s never fun…it’s necessary. You want to have a rich and full life and you want to know who you are and what makes you tick. Start asking yourself, “Why am I going to this event?” or “Why am I posting this photo?” so you can start to gain awareness around your decision-making and life choices.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Create boundaries for yourself and social media. Deleting the app is the first step but the next is to mute, delete, and unfollow anyone in your feed that doesn’t make you smile and feel good about yourself. Mute your friend who is getting married this year, you love her, but watching her be so “in love” all the time is making you feel bad about yourself. That’s fine. She doesn’t need to know and you can unmute her when the wedding is over.

Build Confidence.

Your co-dependent relationship has knocked you down and you need to figure out how to pick yourself back up and start again. An easy way to build your confidence is each time you want to get on Instagram, I want you to remind yourself of a time when you really kicked-ass. You nailed the presentation. You gave the most amazing talk. You signed a new client. It doesn’t matter as long as you allow yourself to enjoy the memory for at least 3-5 minutes. Don’t just think, “Yeah that’s right I got into an Ivy League school so do so many other people.” Nope. You don’t get to do that. Learn to “like” your own successes.

Step 5. Create a deeper connection with yourself

Studies confirm that our psychological well-being is directly tied to our subjective sense of connection toward others. In other words, it’s not the size of our social circle that matters.

Like yourself and like being with yourself.

When you feel lonely it’s easy to assume the “answer” is being in a relationship. If I could go back and do one thing differently when I was in my 20s, I would savor the periods of my life when I was single. While I had lots of fun in my 20s, there was always a part of me that believed my life would be “perfect” or “complete” once I met “the one.”

As someone who has been married for a while (20 years), there are wonderful parts about marriage and being in a committed relationship, but there are also challenges. When I was young and single I would have these whole days to myself to do whatever I wanted and I wish I got out of my head and allowed myself to truly appreciate those moments.

Since time travel isn’t possible (yet) you can’t change the past but you can change your present. If you’re single, here’s how you can embrace this time of your life:

Shift your mindset about what being single means to you

Growing up we get messages from our families, friends, society, and media about love and marriage. While the perception of marriage and relationships has changed in the last 50 years, there’s still an expectation for women to want to get married and have a family.

With all of these other voices and opinions, it can be tough to hear your voice and your thoughts so you can determine what you want for yourself. Just because your co-worker or best friend believes single = lonely doesn’t mean it’s true.

You decide what is true or not true for you. That’s the best part of being an adult, you get to decide how you think about things and then act accordingly. If you decide that to be single = sad and lonely then it will be for you but if you choose to see it as an opportunity to grow as a person, being single takes on a whole new meaning.

Don’t let other people’s comments get you down

I hated it when people would ask me, “Are you seeing anyone?” and then I had to put that fake smile on my face and say, “No…” It drove me nuts, but guess what happened after I got married? Yep…that’s right I would constantly be asked, “When are you having a baby?”

Doesn’t matter where you are in your life, you’re going to get these kinds of questions. You can’t control the questions but you can make a conscious choice right now not to let these questions affect your sense of self.

Why someone is asking you these questions has more to do with them than you. So don’t let someone’s off-handed comment ruin your day or make you feel less than.

Do it now…don’t wait to be in a relationship

Always remember if you ever catch yourself thinking, “Once I meet someone I’ll finally take that trip to Italy” or “I’m going to finally do ________ once I meet ‘the one’” – your life is happening right now. Don’t put off your dreams or goals based on your relationship status.

You can’t assume that things will be easier or better because you’re doing it with a partner. Italy may be more romantic when you’re there with someone you love or it may not. We tend to think that things are automatically “better” when we’re in a relationship. It’s not better or worse…it’s different. And different isn’t a good enough reason not to go out and live your best life right now.

Embrace doing things alone

Just like in step #3, you don’t want to wait to start doing the things you enjoy until you have someone to do things with all the time. If there’s an amazing art exhibit that you want to see but none of your friends do, you can choose to go by yourself.

I can’t tell you how many clients tell me they never do anything alone. They’ve never eaten alone, never gone to the movies alone, never taken a vacation alone and I think they’re missing out. When you do things by yourself you get to choose when you go, when you leave, and how long you stay.

When you do things alone you get to make all the decisions. Most importantly, when you do things alone you’re opening yourself up to a new experience. Think about how distracted you get when you go eat with a friend, going alone allows you to taste and savor your food. Yes, you may feel a little self-conscious and it may feel weird at first but remember you determine what “being alone” means to you.

Always remember you are enough – alone and in a couple

Let’s get honest, it feels good when you’re in a relationship. It validates you and reminds you that someone out there likes (loves) you and wants to spend time with you. The thing is you are who you are in a relationship or out of a relationship. You have to remember that you’re special and loveable and just because you’re single doesn’t negate your value as a person.

You are enough.

Are you needing help liking your life as it is right now? Get a copy of my e-book Like Now: A Radically Practical Guide to Liking Your 20s today with simple exercises you can work through to get real results in your life today.

Final Thoughts

The bottom line: loneliness starts and ends with you. It’s not how many people you are connected to. It’s how connected you are to yourself.

Investing in yourself is never a waste of time. If you’ve been feeling unproductive because of loneliness, you’re not alone. The good news is that you have more control than you think. By following these steps, you’ll feel empowered and better prepared the next time loneliness strikes.