Alexandra, new to the workforce, is finding it tough to know when it’s time to take a break. Her transition from full-time student to full-time employee has been overwhelming. When you’re in school and studying for finals you know you have a long break coming up, which gives you the extra push you need to finish strong and stay motivated.

Now it feels like work is just one long final exam and there is no extended holiday vacation to rest and recharge. While you feel exhausted all day long and need more and more coffee to stay awake, you find yourself awake at 2am thinking about the day ahead. You scroll Instagram and fantasize about quitting your job, selling all your belongings and leaving the country to “find yourself.”

You were so confident and sure of yourself in college but now you question every decision and agonize over the wording of every email. Everything and everyone sets you off and not only have you yelled at your mother this week, you got into it with your roommate too.

Alexandra is experiencing anxiety and depression. We often think of people who struggle with depression as being unable to get out of bed or with anxiety as someone who is always in a state of panic. While those images are real for some people, most mental health issues start small and can easily be ignored at first.

To make matters even more complicated, the last four (4) years have been rough between COVID-19, the economy, the political divide in our country, the war in the middle east and a looming election — all major things that have affected every person’s life in a big way. It used to be one email that set you over the edge, but now instead of needing a long weekend to recover you feel like you need to quit your job altogether because who knows how long it will take you to feel better.

As a psychotherapist and certified coach, I’ve spent the last 12 years primarily working with young professionals, like Alexandra, who leave college full of energy but end up burned out and struggling with anxiety and depression just a few years into their careers. Being “connected” all day, every day has placed impossible expectations on young people and they don’t know how to push back and say, “I need a break.”

The goal is to learn how to be an advocate for your mental health. While many of my clients will nod their heads agreeing with my recommendations to “take a break and leave work early several days a week,” they’re struggling to implement these changes once they leave my office. Setting and creating boundaries around work is hard, much harder than it was for me and my fellow Generation Xers and all the earlier generations especially when you can’t just walk down the hall and knock on your boss’s door anymore. Now you have to send an email or Slack message asking, “Can we talk?”

Why it’s harder than ever to create work/life balance

When you’re young, you just don’t have the experience or perspective to recognize that careers are a marathon, not a sprint and you have to remember to pace yourself because we’re all going to be working for a long, long time. While you may want to be seen as a “team player” and respond to your manager’s email on Saturday “just this once,” it’s these little moments that add up over time and start to chip away at your motivation and productivity.

Technology has made it so we have no boundaries around our time. There is a lack of clarity for everyone around when is “work time” and when is “play time” and we’re all competing against machines trying to keep an empty email inbox.

As a young person in the workforce you’ve been given a really difficult task, which is to determine for yourself how much you can work each day and when you’re going to work and when you’re going to take time for yourself. When I was your age it was all very easy and simple to identify when to work and when to focus on myself. I knew that at 5:30pm my work day was over and it was time to see friends and relax.

What technology has done has made it so that you, the employee, has to create your own boundaries around your time and your energy. You have to determine how much you will and won’t work, how productive you can be in that moment and what makes sense for you in order to be mentally and physically healthy long-term. This isn’t something your company is going to put in your job description.

There has never been a time in history where a single person can be contacted in so many different ways. In a single day you’ll receive texts, emails, slack messages, instant messages, messages through all the various social media platforms you currently use and that doesn’t count the people who swing by your desk or your mother calling you…again.

You’re constantly inundated by demands coming at you in every direction. Even the most centered and calm person in the world would be overwhelmed by all of these distractions. When you’re confronted with having to make yet another decision, deal with crisis after crisis and your boss’s demands, you start to panic and become anxious.

The good news is: you have the opportunity to take things into your own hands and create the life of your dreams. Enroll in my self-paced mini-course today and I’ll walk you through the simple steps to get there. 

What to do if you feel anxious about going to work

If you’re going to tell your manager you need a break, you first need to get your emotions in check so you can approach the conversation with a level head or else you won’t be able to get your point across in the meeting.

Feeling anxious about going to work is the worst and I remember having those jobs where I felt like I had a pit in my stomach every morning. If you’re going to manage your anxiety ahead of your meeting with your manager you need to stop beating yourself up for feeling this way. Instead, try normalizing and validating your feelings. To do this, you need to be aware of your first thought every morning when you wake up. When your anxiety is running the show, you wake up thinking about work and getting stressed and beating yourself up for choosing the career you chose or blaming yourself for things that are going wrong at work. The reality is you’re human. Your feelings are valid and it’s really important to stop, acknowledge, and accept what you’re feeling in a loving way.

For more information on sitting with negative feelings, watch my YouTube video.

 

The next thing you can do is remind yourself this is temporary. Sometimes we get a terrible boss and we think, “Okay, this is it. This is it for the rest of my life.” Then, boom! They get fired. Or it feels like you’re never going to get another job and the next day someone reaches out to you with an amazing opportunity. Yes, you’re still getting up and going to your job today, but this might be your last month or few months. It will end.

You can also start focusing less on how much you don’t like about work and focus more on what is good. Practicing gratitude. There is always something redeeming about any place you work. It  might be that they have the snacks you like, or you don’t have to pay for coffee, or you get to flirt with that cute person when you walk down the hall. Simply focus on the good.

Next, start seeing yourself as a detective and use the time at work to figure out what you want to do more of. Also, think about what you want to move away from or do less of. When you’re unhappy it’s actually a great opportunity to figure out what’s going on. Instead of going to work and feeling miserable all day, think like a detective and ask yourself, “Why don’t I like this person or this task?” Then really dig into the answer to that question. These are the clues to what you really want to be doing.

Finally, you can detach how you see yourself from how you’re being treated. It’s hard not to take things personally. If your boss and boss’s boss are rude to you or speak down to you, remember it has very little to do with you or your abilities. It has everything to do with them and their inability to be a good leader.

This is an opportunity for you to figure out what to do about your career, whether or not you can make it work at your current job, and also what needs to change.

Do you need someone to take your hand and walk you step by step through some simple exercises to help you manage your anxiety? Grab my mini course and get started today!

 

You’re not alone. Watch my most popular video on TikTok about feeling anxiety about going to work here.

Preparing for the Meeting

So, you’ve determined you need time off, or a lighter workload, because you’ve been going at a pace that isn’t working for you and frankly the things happening in the world around us has become too much. The next step is to approach your boss and let him or her know what you need. The two most important things to think about when approaching anyone when you need them to be thoughtful and listen are timing and tone.

1. Choose the right time.

Your manager is experiencing stress, along with all those distractions that are making you feel overwhelmed and anxious, on a daily basis. Think about when your manager is usually the most calm and able to listen. You know your manager best so listen to your instincts and determine what time of day they’re at their calmest.

Either tell your manager in person or send a note to give him or her a heads up on what you want to talk about during the meeting. You don’t need to say, “I need a break” but rather let your boss know you want to discuss your workload or your responsibilities. People generally like to know what’s on the agenda and if your manager tends to be anxious, seeing a random meeting on their calendar might make them on edge for the meeting.

2. Write out what you want to say.

Spend some time writing down everything you want to communicate to your manager. Think about what has been creating the most anxiety for you and what needs to change in order for you to be successful.

Managers are constantly tasked with solving problems so decide what it is that you need right now from your manager. If you simply tell your manager you’re feeling stressed and need “time off” you’re giving your manager another problem to solve and allowing them to decide the length of your “break.”

Think about the aspects of your role you find the most challenging and ask yourself, “Is there something I could be doing differently that doesn’t involve my manager or anyone else?” Many times when we start to look at the situation differently we discover we have a lot more control than we originally thought.

3. Don’t make assumptions about what your manager knows.

Clients will tell me, “I get so anxious when my manager sends me an email on Saturday because I feel like I need to respond right away.” When I ask them if they’ve talked to their boss about this issue, they say “No.”

Most managers have no idea you’re even looking at email over the weekend. They assume you’re checking on Monday and when you respond on Saturday they’re not thinking how this is affecting you and your level of anxiety.

4. Practice your tone ahead of time.

Practice what you’re going to say to the mirror or to a friend to make sure you’re using the best language and an inviting tone.

While you might be full of confidence when you set the appointment, it’s completely normal to feel afraid and full of doubt right before you have the conversation.

Remember how you want people to think of you at the end of your life, think about your values and what you believe in, and most importantly, remember you have to be your biggest advocate at all times.

During the Meeting

Walk into the meeting knowing you have a plan of action but remain flexible. Use “I” statements to express how you’re feeling and exactly how much time you think you’ll need to address what’s going on. Some of my clients simply needed a couple of days to rest and recharge and others needed to take an extended break of 3-4 weeks in order to have time to see a psychiatrist for medication management and possibly get into a short-term program to help them develop better tools for managing anxiety and depression. Have an idea of how much time you need off and what are the other modifications to your role in order to help you perform better.

The older I get the easier it is for me to have difficult conversations and the more you challenge yourself to have these kinds of conversations, the easier it will get for you as well. The only way to get better and less anxious about difficult conversations is to have difficult conversations. Think of it like a muscle. If you run from these moments, you’ll never be able to build this kind of muscle and the harder it will be for you to ask for what you want in the future. And remember, if it’s a difficult conversation for you, it’s probably a difficult conversation for your manager too.

Struggling with setting a date for this difficult conversation? Check out my Forbes article on the best way to get better at having difficult conversations.

Managers: how to talk to your employees about their mental health

Management has never been a simple or straight-forward role, but now that our world is in the middle of a national crisis, leading a team is more complex and requires you to be present for your team while managing your own anxiety.  

As outlined in this article, being a young person in the professional world has changed drastically due to technology and the development of smartphones. No matter what generation you fall into, you’re feeling the pressure to always be connected and respond to emails and other messages at an increasingly rapid pace.

Now imagine being in your 20s and at the start of your career, trying to figure out how to balance work and life. It’s hard enough to find that balance in your 30s and 40s and beyond but think about how tough it was when you were younger to set boundaries and stand up for yourself? 

Understanding how the world of work has changed dramatically since you were in your 20s is just part of the equation. The other part is learning how to help your employees create boundaries and focus on their mental health. 

The 2018 Employee Retention Report found there are 5 key factors to why someone decides to leave a job and the #1 reason: how an employee feels about their manager. We don’t leave companies, we leave managers which is why your role in this young worker’s professional life is so critical. You have the power and influence, more than any other person at your organization, to determine if someone stays or leaves.

While it’s more common in today’s market to leave a job after only a year or two, an article in Business Insider reported the findings of a recent study conducted by Mind Share Partners, SAP, Qualtrics (published in the the Harvard Business Review) which found 75% of Generation Zers and 50% of Millennials have left a job because of mental health reasons. 

Despite Millennials being called “The Therapy Generation” studies are finding there has been a 47% rise in depression related diagnosis for Millennials since 2013. As their manager you’re not required to also be their therapist, but it’s important for you to be aware of how prevalent mental health issues are for young people. If you want to develop your direct reports and retain them, you must also always take into account their mental health.

Take some time and investigate what your organization provides in terms of mental health support and have a list of resources available to your team. When someone is struggling with a mental health issue they know they need help but can feel overwhelmed when trying to figure out how to start the process. Simply having the name and contact information for your EAP  (Employee Assistance Program) or letting them know about a stipend available for health and wellness can make the difference between someone seeking help or doing nothing.

During your weekly or bi-weekly meetings with your direct reports watch for non-verbal cues to indicate that someone is struggling with an issue. As you check in about various projects and get updates, make sure to ask open-ended questions regarding their workload and inquire if they need additional help or resources. Be mindful of your employees and if they take breaks or eat lunch at their desk. 

Right now with COVID-19 preventing employees from being in the same room, it’s even more critical to be present and engaged during team meetings. Make sure to check in with all of your direct reports and don’t assume because younger workers don’t have kids, they’re not struggling with productivity and time management. This pandemic is affecting each of us in different ways and for someone who might live alone, your weekly video check-in might be the only contact they have that week.

The most important skill for any manager or leader is the ability to remain self-aware. Being a parent has taught me more about myself than any other role I’ve held in my life and I know that in order for my son to be happy and healthy, I also need to be happy and healthy. The same goes for you. As a manager, you have a lot on your plate and it’s important you always look at your behavior and how well you’re taking care of yourself.

Earlier I mentioned the scenario of the young worker wondering if he or she should respond to their boss’s email on a Saturday afternoon. Is that you sending that email on Saturdays? While you may have a good handle on your work/life balance and you reserve a few Saturdays a month to work on a project, you have to think about how that simple email impacts the recipient. Can you wait and send the email on Monday or at least attach a message that says, “Please do not read until Monday.”

While it may feel impossible to keep track of everyone you manage and the idea of focusing on mental health feels daunting, it doesn’t take much to make your employees feel seen and heard. There is a myth that employees always want big gestures, huge raises and bonuses and that is what will keep them happy and satisfied. Raises and bonuses are nice but what your direct reports really want is recognition for their good work and validation for how hard it is to be young in today’s working world. 

Looking for a mental health speaker to speak at your organization? Reach out today to book Tess Brigham, MFT for your next event.