When I was young I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to leave my house and start my brand new life as an adult. My parents are great but the lure of being on my own was so enticing. At age 18 I flew across the country and started college. I’ve moved back home at various points in my life but never for very long because my focus was always on being out on my own.

Today I’m a married mother of one teenage boy who told me the other day he doesn’t want to move out until he’s 35! What?! I think he was kind of kidding, but not really. I also know I’m not alone.

As a therapist and coach who specializes in working with Millennials and Gen Zers I’ve heard countless stories of kids either moving back home after school, returning home at the start of the pandemic, or deciding to never leave home. It’s not surprising to hear about all of these young people returning home.

You’ve read the articles about why young people are returning home in record numbers to live with their parents again. These articles cite the latest economic realities, such as how young people are burdened with the consequences of missing major rites of passage due to the pandemic, tremendous amounts of school debt, and the cost of housing, which all make moving out harder than it was in our day. But as I read these articles, one thought occurred to me:

What about the parents?

I wondered how parents whose 20-something child comes to live at home again after college might impact your life plans. While you love your child and want to support them, having a grown adult spread out on the couch asking if there’s anything to eat may not be part of your master plan.

There are parenting books on hundreds of subjects: how to get your baby to sleep through the night, how to stop your toddler’s tantrums, how to talk to your kid about death, how to talk to your teen about sex and drugs and the list goes on and on. Yet, what do you do when those babies turn into adults and are still living under your roof? Or even if they’re not living with you, you certainly didn’t think you would still be financially and emotionally supporting your adult kids.

It’s hard watching your kids struggle.

Do you remember watching your child as they played in the park? Your kid is hanging from the monkey bars without a care in the world. You watch as they swing around ready for their Olympic style dismount. From where you’re sitting, you know that it’s too big of a drop and before you can call out, “Be careful!” your kid is flat on their back writhing in pain. You run to comfort them and check all their body parts to make sure nothing is broken.

As a parent, there’s nothing worse than being able to see that your child is going to fall down and there’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Let’s fast-forward 10-15 years. Your child is no longer a “child” but a 20-something college graduate struggling to figure out how to negotiate being an “adult.”

You know how tough the transition from college to the working world can be. You have a lot of life advice to give. You know the exact career path they should be pursuing. If only your son or daughter could stop going in circles and listen to you, then they would prevent themselves from a lot of frustration and pain.

While your kid is out of the trying teen years and you can have a conversation without it erupting into a screaming match, it doesn’t mean that your now 20-something is going to listen to your advice on the best way to “adult.”

There’s Just Something About a Mother or Father’s Advice

Even though I’m 50 years old with my own family, when my mother gives me advice my eyes glaze over. I instantly get defensive and before I know it…I’m 14 again. I’m sure my mother’s advice is pretty good (I think…I wasn’t listening), but the problem is I just can’t hear it. I don’t want to listen to my mother and my son doesn’t want to listen to me.

I’m sure all of the career advice and thoughtful suggestions you’ve been sharing with your son or daughter has been really good. I’m sure that if they could “hear” you and would actually take some of the guidance coming their way, then they would be out of the house by now.

Unfortunately, as parents, we’re not always our child’s best coach/therapist/career advisor. This can be a difficult realization, believe me, I know! But just like your daughter’s Little League coach helped her with pitching, sometimes it takes someone else, someone with expertise in helping people improve on new skills, to be a neutral force for good.

Here are the 3 most common mistakes I see parents making with their adult kids who need help launching:

Mistake #1: You Keep Rescuing Your Kid

It can be hard not to come to your child’s rescue when they’re struggling. Remind yourself of your ultimate goal. Your goal is to help your child launch and in order to do that they need to have confidence in their own abilities.

If you continue to rescue your child, whether it’s giving them money, applying for jobs for them or calling all your friends begging them to hire your kid, you’re taking away the opportunity for your child to solve their own problems. If you keep rescuing your kid, as much as you believe you’re doing the “right” thing or “best” thing, they will start to believe they can’t rescue themselves.

I’m not saying don’t help them at all, but don’t offer to help them if they’re not asking for help. Wait until your kid comes to you. If they’re coming to you to solve their problem, instead of telling them how to solve it, flip the script and put it back on your kid to come up with a solution. You can have a meaningful conversation with your kid about what they’ve tried and what they haven’t tried. You can remind them of the times in the past when they were faced with a problem, and how they were able to solve it. You want to empower them and build their confidence.

Utilizing these strategies doesn’t mean that you can’t be there to comfort your son or daughter, please do sympathize with them and acknowledge how they are feeling, but remember: no suggestions, no rescuing and don’t take the pain away. Instead, ask questions and help them find their own good solutions. While you may find it tough to sit back and watch your kid go in circles, remember: if they’re allowed to fall and to pick themselves up, they’ll be able to move out of your house and stand on their own two feet. Plus, they’ll have an easier time overcoming life’s challenges in the future (and we both know there will be more).

Mistake #2: You Think You Can Make Them Do Something

If only our children would do what we wanted them to do. It’s nice to dream, but you know as well as I do that your kid has a mind of their own and they have their own ideas of what they plan to do.

If your 20-something is living at home with you or if you’re still financially supporting them, you can exercise some control over their choices right now. If you want to create a strong adult connection with the hope that they’ll eventually listen to your advice, then you can’t treat them like they’re teenagers any longer and you need to bite your tongue.

If you want your kid to listen to you and hear what you have to say about some of their choices, your job right now isn’t to give advice; it’s to ask questions. Ask until you’re blue in the face. They’re fish that don’t even know they’re wet. They don’t even know what questions to ask themselves, so you need to ask them.

This has a wonderful byproduct because when you listen to their answers (without reacting, just listen) it shows your child that you’re interested in what they have to say and as well as their feelings and their point of view. The closer your connection, the better your child will listen to you about that graduate degree you know is their best option.

Mistake #3: You Think You Can Motivate Your Kid

It can be tough to see your kid work at a job that doesn’t challenge them. It can be even tougher to see them miss out on opportunities because they’re unwilling or unable to push themselves a bit harder.

If your kid is working at a dead-end job or not doing what they need to do to land that “dream job” they’ve been talking about, then your kid needs to experience some kind of discomfort from their personal choices (this is where not rescuing them comes in). They need to be in charge of their motivation. You can’t give your child an “aha moment.” Just because you see the problems clear as day, doesn’t mean they do and telling them what the problem is before they’ve figured it out themselves isn’t going to help them move forward.

If they’re living under your roof you need to maintain your boundaries and make sure to stick with the limits you created when they first moved back home. If they’re working, you can charge them rent. A low paying dead-end job is not so bad when you’re living for free but having to give up 30% of your earnings for rent? That’s the kind of discomfort that will motivate them.

If you’re not supporting them financially and they’re able to pay all their bills, well, then the best thing to do is…nothing. It’ll be tough but your kid needs to experience the pain and discomfort of waking up one day and realizing that they hate their job. They need to feel the fire in their bellies to make a change.

How Parents Can Care for Themselves

It can be easy to put all of your focus and attention on helping your kid, but at the end of the day you can’t help them if you aren’t caring for yourself. It starts with you.

From the moment our child is born, our wants and needs become a distant second (actually more like a distant ninth) to the demands of raising a child.

This time is different. Self-care is your priority and your right.

Your kid is no longer a “kid,” and their needs at this age are very different. While there may be days when they’ll need a shoulder to cry on or need some job-hunting advice, when it comes to the day-to-day realities of life, your son or daughter needs to problem solve on their own.

There will be times when you’ll see your kid struggling, and you’ll feel compelled to rescue them. Or your kid may say or do something that pushes your buttons, and you’ll want to lose your cool. This is why making self-care a priority is so important: when you feel yourself wanting to step in, you’ll want to make sure you are grounded and have alternative ways to manage your feelings.

So, let’s focus on you. What changes do you need to make right now that will lift you up emotionally, make you stronger physically and get you grounded spiritually? All the hobbies, activities and goals you’ve been putting off until your child is grown, you don’t need to keep putting them off now that your son or daughter is home. You can sign up for that Zumba class. You can take vacations as planned. You can say “no” to your adult child, even if there are younger children in the home that you are caring for. Your child will ultimately (even if not right now) value that you respect your goals and boundaries and hold firm to those.

Your adult child is struggling to launch into adulthood and you’ve tried everything. Are you starting to wonder, “Am I the problem?”

My parenting journal prompts can help you navigate through your fears and worries and gain the confidence and courage you need to help your adult child launch (or relaunch).

Give me the Journal Prompts…Like Now!

Here are two exercises you can do to take that first step towards greater self care:

Set Your Intention

An intention is a personal declaration and an act of being. How do you want to be in regard to a particular situation or event? You want to create an overall intention for the kind of parent you want to be to your adult son or daughter while they’re living at home. Your goal, as well your child’s goal, is to reframe the parent-child relationship now that your child is grown up.

The question now is while you and your adult child are working on achieving that goal, how do you plan on being? When you set an intention, you help bring clarity to every action that follows.

For example, if you have a child who calls you all the time and always wants you to solve their problems, you might set the intention to not pick up the phone right away or to text your child and tell them you’ll call them later in the day.

You’re setting an intention for two primary reasons:

1. You want to be able to help your child launch and transition into adulthood in a way that will truly help them long-term.
2. You want to feel really good about the choices and decisions you’re making during this time.

Your intention becomes your guideline or your compass. This is your “true north.” You’ll return to your intention every time you need to make a decision with your adult son or daughter.

There are going to be times when it will seem like you absolutely have to step in and help your son or daughter. Your intention will help you decide when you need to jump in and help and when you need to take a step back. The most important lesson is that your kid needs to know they can handle things themselves, and you need to know that you can put yourself and your wants first.

Boundaries are Love

You’re used to setting limits and boundaries with your kid when he or she was growing up. Now that your child is an adult and has been living on his or her own for a while now, what should you do to set and maintain new, adult boundaries?

I highly recommend that you and your child (and anyone else living in the home) create a home agreement or contract that outlines the house rules. Now, the idea of a contract or agreement can make many parents uncomfortable. Keep in mind, you’re not doing this to punish or hurt your child. The goal is to set clear boundaries that set the conditions for a respectful, harmonious home. We all do better when we know what we can and can’t do. In the same way that a curfew kept your teenager safe, the home agreement is going to preserve the safety of your relationship with your child.

Here are some examples of questions you may want your home contract to answer for you and your adult child:

• How long will your child live with you?
• What will your child be contributing to the home? (This can be financially or helping around the house.)
• Will your child be allowed to have their significant other sleep over?

You can customize it anyway that you like but I suggest you invite your child to the table to draft it together. That way you are collaborating on what you both need and respecting each other as adults.

Conclusion:

When my sister turned 40 she gave our mother a refrigerator magnet that said, “The first 40 years are the hardest.” It doesn’t matter how old your child is or how far away they move, you’re always a parent. Knowing this is the easy part. The hard part is figuring out how to be the best parent for your child every step of the way.