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Tales From A Reformed “Cool Girl”

by Oct 6, 2017Mental Health0 comments


Do you know who a “cool girl” is?

The “cool girl” has been around a long time but it wasn’t until Gillian Flynn perfectly identified this particular woman in her book “Gone Girl.” Here is the “cool girl” excerpt:

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding.

Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

Does this person sound familiar? Is it you or maybe someone you are dating?

After “Gone Girl” came out in 2012, there were several articles written about the “cool girl.” All of these articles discussed the myth of the “cool girl” because in reality the “cool girl” doesn’t exist. Men think she exists because we (I am including myself here) bought into this idea that in order to be desirable, we had to adopt more “male like” attributes. You are the “cool girl” because you like all the same things that men like but remain cute and feminine in the “right” ways i.e. physically.

Gillian Flynn’s passage about the “cool girl” resonated with a lot of women because it is so true. I thought this was something only I knew about and it was an eye opening experience reading that passage in the book. Finally someone was naming this “character” that I thought I should be.

I thought to be more “appealing” to men I needed to act like nothing bothered me, I was “cool” with things that I wasn’t; in general I thought my own thoughts and feelings weren’t important. Acting like me was bad because that is not what men want.

Buying into the “cool girl” fantasy is a dangerous one. We are essentially telling women that in order to be accepted, you not only need to adopt many male like attributes, you also can’t get angry or rock the boat. If the “cool girl” gets angry or voices a different opinion she is labeled as a “shrew” or maybe “irrational” or God forbid, a “feminist!”

As I got older and got more comfortable in my own skin I soon realized that being the “cool girl” was not going to make me happy long term and most likely I would end up in a relationship with someone who didn’t really know the real me.

Here are 5 reasons to drop the “cool girl” act today:

  1.  You waste a lot of time not being you. You need to be you. I know it’s easier said than done but take the time and do the work to figure out what you like and don’t like.
  2. Being the “cool girl” keeps you stuck in middle school mentality and who really loved middle school anyway?!
  3. You will end up in a relationship with someone that doesn’t love you or even know you. Save yourself the heartbreak. Find someone who likes the real you.
  4. By not being you, you are allowing someone else to devalue your thoughts and feelings. If you want to be in an honest relationship, you have to be willing to voice your own opinions. If the other person doesn’t like it, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with what you said, it means you have a different opinion.
  5. You are telling the world that there is something wrong with the real you. Enough said.

If you are the “cool girl” I urge you to start being you today.

Don’t waste another day being something or someone that doesn’t feel authentic to you. You are unique and special and deserve to find someone that will love you unconditionally.